‘I’m a sex surrogate – I help people who are scared of intimacy with cuddles’

sex

Michelle Renee, 45, is a human connection coach, helping clients through emotional and sexual problems through unique kind of sex therapy – but her job isn’t quite what a lot of people think it is.

When Michelle Renee’s 18-year marriage ended, her life completely changed course, leaving her to focus on her relationship with herself

“As my marriage was winding down I was taking charge of my sexuality,” she told The Mirror.

“I was always comfortable talking about sex, but I struggled with my own sexual relationship in my marriage.”

Michelle, originally from Michigan, US, learned about Betty Dodson, a sex educator and creator of BodySex, which runs workshops on the female orgasm.

“I got this goal that I wanted to become multi-orgasmic. In my marriage, masturbation was discouraged and I didn’t get the chance to develop my own sexuality,” she explained.

“I transitioned out of the marriage and started learning to love myself. That was my original goal.”

But as Michelle, now 45 and living in Baltimore, progressed through the workshop, she realised she wanted a change of career and to work in sex therapy.

Michelle Renee

Michelle first discovered the practices of sex therapy when she enrolled on a Betty Dodson course ( Image: Arash Afshar)

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“I’d heard of surrogate partner therapy because the movie The Sessions had just come out. I thought I’d love to do that work, but when I talked to therapists in the area they said I’d never find a therapist who would with a surrogate in the state.

“I lived in a very conservative part of the country, so I didn’t think it was a great way to spend my money to train as a sex facilitator,” she said.

The Sessions is a story about a 38-year-old man who is a virgin, and who finds a sex surrogate who he has six sessions with, in order to lose his virginity.

While many people refer to what Michelle does as ‘sex surrogacy’, she prefers the term ‘surrogate partner therapy’.

The surrogate partner practices intimate contact and erotic work with a client to help them overcome a wide range of problems. Sometimes (but not always) this involves having sexual intercourse with the client.

In the UK, surrogate partner therapy is technically legal. According to the Sexual Offences Act 2003, the following are prohibited by law: Soliciting in a public place, owning or managing a brothel, pimping and kerb crawling.

The act of paying someone for sex is not illegal in the UK – however the practice is considered controversial due to ethical and safeguarding concerns.

Explaining her work on her website, Michelle writes: “[Surrogate partner therapy] is not illegal because any erotic or sexual touch is NON-TRANSACTIONAL.

“In other words, the touch itself is not the service provided because it exists in a larger context of therapeutic work.”

When Michelle first started out, she realised there wasn’t any real demand in her area for surrogate partner therapy. But there was a gap in the market for a different kind of intimate work – cuddle therapy.

Michelle said: “It was still considered ‘edgy; work in Michigan, but I liked to cuddle and I thought ‘I can do this’.

“I quickly realised I was already doing sex education by helping clients build a foundation of communication and boundaries.”

Wanting to take her work further, Michelle moved to California in the summer of 2018, where a more liberal attitude towards sex opened up a market for her to practice surrogate partner therapy. And she’s been working in the field ever since.

She explained: “It’s a triadic model, so there’s a therapist, a client, and me. By the time the client has been referred to me, they have become established with the therapist over a period of time.

“The client works separately with the therapist and with me, and then I will have sessions with the therapist about our sessions with the client where we’ll share information.”

She explained how the aim of surrogate partner therapy is to help the client built a foundation of “communication, boundaries and creating safety.”

People getting intimate

The practice of surrogate partner therapy is often misunderstood as compassionate sex work ( Image: Getty)

Michelle said: “Ninety percent of the work I do is non-sexual. These clients are with me for six months to a year before any erotic work begins.

“It’s very measured and there’s no rushing through it.”

She pointed out surrogate partner therapy is different to compassionate sex work, which is when a client sees someone to have their sexual needs met.

“I’m teaching them to go out and create a relationship. There’s no fixed time limit for how long one client is with me,” she said.

Michelle works primarily with straight cisgender men, many of whom still haven’t lost their virginity into adulthood. She also has a lot of clients who have issues with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

“All of these issues come down to teaching the client how to establish safety and trust with a partner.

“They think it’s a genital issue but it’s more about getting them present in a safe, authentic, loving environment,” she said.

Michelle added a lot of men can feel a lot of pressure to perform in sexual situations, while having a lack of understanding about what sex is.

Source: Mirror

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